STARBUCKS GONE WRONG

There are more people standing behind the counter in STARBUCKS than there are waiting in front of it to get their orders. And no one seems to be doing anything. And no one is getting served. WHAT’S GOING ON?? It’s just coffee!

STARBUCKS is a fast food place where everything is slow. It’s like this all the time and it looks like they’re giving the coffee away for free because there’s always a line out the door.

We pay more for coffee and we wait longer for coffee. Yet we keep coming back. We are all STARBUCKS’ lemmings.

Everyday when I walk to my neighborhood STARBUCKS and I stand patiently on the interminably long line waiting for my turn to reach the front and praying the person at the register remembers what order to shout the adjectives in, I think of the guy lying in bed who thought to himself, “I think I’ll open up a store and sell coffee”.

I actually believe that STARBUCKS is the invention of someone who couldn’t find a public toilet when he really needed one. Creating STARBUCKS was his investment in a secure future knowing that there would be a place to pee on every corner. So, STARBUCKS is actually a public toilet in the guise of a coffee bar. It offers you a place to wait while you’re waiting to go - and if you feel like a cup of coffee with a fancy name while you’re waiting, you can get one. I think it would be extremely beneficial if there were more than one toilet per STARBUCKS location.

People are always waiting in STARBUCKS. They walk in looking for a refuge, a place to sit down and drink their conjured up concoction and there’s nowhere to sit. You wait on line to order. You wait on line to get your order. Then you wait for a seat - and getting one is a huge accomplishment! If you’re lucky enough to get a table to go with it - well you’ve hit STARBUCKS’ jackpot! And eventually unless you can hold it, you wait on line to pee.

All in all it’s not a bad deal - that is if you don’t mind waiting. A man has just announced to everyone at the top of his lungs that he can’t find a chair! It’s like waiting for the cross trainer at the gym…there are never enough machines! People don’t want to drink their coffee standing up. So they pretend to be patient but they’re staring you down waiting desperately for you to get up and leave. More often than not you’re sharing a table with a complete stranger. Maybe you chat. Maybe you don’t. Maybe that person listens to your entire life story while you’re on your phone. At this very moment, a woman is smiling down at me very sweetly hoping I’m going to get up, but I’m not going anywhere lady. I’ve got my chair and I’m stickin’ to it.

Which begs the question “Is it better when you have to wait? Does it taste better? Does it feel better? Does it improve the entire experience if you have to wait for it- and when you finally get what you want; be it a full bladder or an empty one; is it truly satisfying?

STARBUCKS also serves as the universal office for people who don’t have an office. With the advent of cell phones and computers nobody knows where the hell anyone’s office is anyway! You could be in a penthouse suite with a gorgeous view of Central Park or in a STARBUCKS with a view of the line for the toilet and no one you’re communicating with via phone or email ever knows the difference. Every time I’m in here I always see someone with a computer I like better than mine.

What else happens in here? Well, blind dates meet. Relationships start. Weddings are planned. Arguments happen. Relationships end. Lots of business is done in here too. People conduct very important meetings in here although I can’t fathom why they do because nothing is ever private in STARBUCKS because you’re within earshot of everyone else and they are all listening.

Hordes of New Yorkers who have never been abroad are suddenly experts in a foreign language. Macchiato, Cappuccino, Frappuccino, Misto, Grande, Ristretto, Venti.

Venti has replaced the words “extra large.” “What size do you wear?” “I wear a venti ever since I’ve been snacking at STARBUCKS. And I still don’t know what the word “doppio” means. Maybe it’s a drink for…