WAR, A COUPLE OF WARTIME QUESTIONS & BOOM TOWN

Note: These were written just after 9/11 and the start of the war in Iraq.

WAR

Well, if there are "bomb sniffing dogs" in the 86th Street Subway Station, they must be invisible. I didn't see any this morning. I didn't see any police either. Or National Guard. Or even those guys with the orange vests from the MTA. However, I did see Governor Pataki on the news this morning before I went to the subway telling the public that we are all being well protected.

Times Square has a huge police presence. Maybe that's because there's a police station right in the center, and we have GOOD MORNING AMERICA and the NASDAQ building and TOYS R US and the new HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE STORE

Yesterday, my mother asked me if I had a flashlight.

I asked her why, and she said that she was watching Channel 5 News and they said, "Everyone should bring a flashlight to work".

And I said, "What do I need a flashlight for?"

And she said,”In case the lights go out in your building."

And I said, "Why would the lights go out in my building?"

And she said, "If the terrorists hit your building and the lights go out, and the elevators go out, and you have to walk down 15 flights of stairs because you can't take the elevator, Channel 5 says you should take a flashlight to work."

And I said,”Well the deadline for War isn't until 8 PM, and I don't think the terrorists are going to take out my building before 8 PM".

And she said,”Take the flashlight anyway."

So I did.

And I must admit it's a terrific flashlight. I got it for free from K-Mart when they opened their flagship store in Manhattan. It's a long, heavy plastic thing. It has a regular flashlight and then you have the ability to adjust the settings so you can get an orange light and then you can adjust the settings again and get a white light that's excellent if your car gets stuck in the stairwell and you need to attract someone for help.

I would also like to mention that on the outside casing of the flashlight is the K-Mart slogan that says, "Everything we do is built around you", which I find very interesting since they're going out of business. They did however make a lovely flashlight.

Did I mention it's a bit heavy? I can use it to do arm curls if don't get to the gym or I can hit a terrorist over the head with it.

A COUPLE OF WARTIME QUESTIONS

Again, another day at WAR and no "bomb sniffing dogs" to be found. I want to know where they are! I saw a couple of bomb sniffing policemen in the Times Square Station chatting, but not a bomb sniffing dog to be seen anywhere! What's that animal that sniffs for truffles?

Why does DUANE READE never have what I want? Why? No matter when I go into any DUANE READE (and there's lots of them), they never have what I want! They're taking over the world, like STARBUCKS. At least when you go into STARBUCKS they have coffee. Now that would be interesting wouldn't it - to go into a STARBUCKS and they'd be out of coffee? "We can sell you our coffee truffles, but sorry, no actual coffee.

And someone please tell me, who the hell are these people who decide to have their "lover's quarrel" in the subway car at rush hour while blocking the doors! I want to know who they are! They just stand there arguing, blocking the doors, ignoring everyone trying to get on and off the train. They must be the same people who bring piping hot STARBUCKS into the car during rush hour and insist on drinking it with the top off while the train's moving.

Today is another "Morons of the World" day!

And while I'm thinking about it, "Who really thinks James Woods is RUDY?

BOOM TOWN

Only an hour for lunch.

I decide to spend it browsing the Rita Aid in Grand Central Station in search of marvelous bargains.

I know they have a King Size pack of Peanut M & M’s on sale and I must have it. I will purchase them on my way out and eat them instead of lunch.

I enter Rite Aid, the store is packed – long lines at all 8 registers.

I start a slow stroll up Aisle 1 – Cosmetics and Perfumes. Suddenly my deep concentration on “Perfume Imposters” is interrupted -

“SHOULD I CALL SECURITY? SHOULD I CALL SECURITY?”

I turn and walk very quickly back to the front of the store.

“SHOULD I CALL SECURITY”

A saleswoman is staring and pointing at an unattended black bag sitting in the middle of the red, white and blue Rite Aid emblem embedded in the floor tile.

“SHOULD I CALL SECURITY?”

Nobody moves…except for me. I’m calmly but quickly making my way towards the Exit.

“SHOULD I CALL SECURITY? Is that anyone’s bag?” No response.

“Call security you stupid moron”, I say under my breath as I walk out the door - the only customer, I might add, to leave Rite Aid rite away.

I don’t run for my life. I looked around for a cop with a bomb sniffing dog. I don’t see one.

I’m nervous, but not nervous enough to leave Grand Central. I’m on my lunch hour and I’m completely lost without my Peanut M & M’s.

I stroll across the corridor to Posman Books.

Time is passing and lunch is almost over.

I decide to risk it and go back to Rite Aid - and back I go across the corridor through the glass doors into the store.

It is still packed. There are still long lines at all 8 registers.

Nothing had changed – except the unattended black bag was gone.

“Did someone finally claim that black bag?” I asked feeling very relieved...

“No, said the previously hysterical saleswoman, I put it behind the counter?”

“Ahhh.” I said and once again decided to forego my Peanut M & M’s and head for the Exit.

We live in interesting times.